Beneath the Surface

The rock on which these crystals formed is long and rounded. And at first it didn't look at all like a rock to me, which is why I picked it up. Being such a long, stick-like formation, I thought it might have a story to tell . . . maybe a shell fossil would be on it. It had just rained the night before I found it, so the ground was muddy, as was the rock, but I picked it up anyway. When I got home, I cleaned it with soap and a toothbrush, and I was so surprised to find a shell fossil with crystals growing inside of it attached to the rock . . . a mini geode! I could have easily passed this rock up in the woods, because it really didn't stand out, except for it's long shape. But something made me do a double-take to see what might be hidden. And it surely was better than I had expected. I would have been impressed with just the shell fossil!

All this to say that I'm using this experience as a reminder to always look beneath the surface. To look at my friends, enemies, or even a stranger and notice the beautiful value each one holds just under the surface (where the soul is). By reminding myself of someone's inner beauty and value, I am then able to look past their face (whether pretty or plain), to look past their accomplishments (few or many), to look past their situation (have they made good or bad choices?), and just see another soul loved by God. My judgments only cloud the true essence of what someone is. There is something valuable in each one of us. And by seeking to find the light and beauty in another, we offer a wonder of good to ourselves and the world. Whenever inner beauty is uncovered and celebrated, people evolve, they grow into more of what they were created to become.

"Whenever we awaken beauty, we are helping to make God present in the world."

Beauty, John O'Donohue

"Where beauty seems absent, she is often hidden and still at work in the slow industry of transformation. So much of beauty is not immediately apparent and indeed it could take a long time before it becomes visible. It often takes a lot of struggle and committed attention and generosity, even sacrifice, in order to create beauty."

Beauty, John O'Donohue

Silence Speaks

"There is a vast realm of intelligence beyond thought . . . all the things that truly matter--beauty, love, creativity, joy, inner peace--arise from beyond the mind."

Eckhart Tolle, The Power of Now

Silence . . . Stillness . . . I've often wondered how productivity can come of being silent or being still. My mind and body regularly move at a challenging speed, leaving me exhausted yet proud at all that gets accomplished in a day. Often I get involved in an activity just so I don't have to sit still and be with myself, because I don't want to encounter the issues I need to deal with on a personal or spiritual level. Off I'll go, at lightening speed, to busy myself, when I really need to slow down my body, stop the internal chatter, and simply be. But it is hard. Silence, stillness, and "being" without "doing" are not natural to me. But it is precisely in these moments that God is able to enter in a special way, as if by invitation. Creating moments where His Spirit can enter and fill me with insight and guidance is so worth the payoff of slowing down. Here is one such memorable moment where I allowed the silence to speak and the stillness to move in my spirit . . .

If there is anything my close friends know about me, it's that I do not sleep in the daytime . . . at all. I understand that naps are beneficial to our bodies, but it's part of that not-slowing-down thing I do so well. I feel that I am being idle if I nap, even if I could use the rest. Since I trail run and walk often, I usually have my silent moments in the woods . . . but they're not still moments. And at this particular time in my life, I was in desperate need of a still moment. Then one day out of nowhere, I found myself searching for the couch . . . during the day. Much to my shame, I went for it. I just did it. I fell asleep on the couch. And from what I remember, it felt good. But the waking-up moment was even better. Here's why: When we are not yet awake, but not quite asleep, our bodies are in an alpha state, which is very relaxing. Meditation can be done in this alpha state, and it often produces some incredible healing in the body. So as I was in this alpha state, I was aware of a voice speaking directly in my ear (whispering, actually). I remember having a "thought" dialogue with this voice, so my actual voice didn't respond. I can't remember the words spoken to me, but the tone was one of peace and love. After the dialogue was complete, the word breathe kept sounding in my ear, which was an important word for me to hear (I'll explain later). I even heard the voice as I opened my eyes, thinking that someone was in the room. But the room was empty.

I wondered if I had just had a dream, but right away I knew better. It is my belief that I created a "space", an opening, for the Spirit to speak to me. By creating silence and stillness, the Spirit was able to speak with me at a soul level (not a mind level, because we are not our minds, we are our souls). And the word that was given to me as a token of that Spirit-speak was breathe. This word is important to me because I am a notoriously shallow breather (caused by anxiety). So to hear a reminder to breathe was such a help. From that moment on, I stop many times a day and really focus on my breathing. May seem silly to you, but it is a necessity to me if I don't want to get lightheaded or pass out, which has happened to me.

In order for me to hear the soul message, I had to be "out of my mind" (removing internal chatter) and still. I aim to be still and silent at least once a day now. Just a few moments of silence and stillness can open my soul's door to experience what God has to say through His Spirit. I don't have to take a nap for this connection with God to happen; that experience was just His way of saying it's OK to slow down . . . and rest. Sitting on my wonderful back porch can open the door. Meditating can open the door. Being in the woods and stopping to take in a silent moment can open the door. Sitting in my parked car can open the door. Sitting at my dining room table can open the door. The possibilities are endless. And so is His pursuit of us . . . endless.

Oaks and Acorns

My elementary school divided all the students into two teams. It was part of being enrolled in the school. Based on the luck of the draw, kids were either chosen to be an Oak or they were chosen to be an Acorn--a label that followed each of us from kindergarten through sixth grade. Oaks and Acorns competed during the year in various sports and fund-raising activities. The kids reveled in the competition, which often caused hurt feelings and less-than-kind behavior. My sister was an Acorn. I was an Oak. Not good for sibling harmony, since we already did not get along at home, regardless of our Oak or Acorn status. I didn't like the division the school created. Acorns always boasted that they were smarter and stronger. And Oaks gave it right back to them, saying they were the smarter and stronger team. The school even had T-shirts made: Acorns wore brown shirts with an acorn on it, and Oaks wore a green shirt with an oak leaf on it. Supposedly the Oaks were superior (after all, the shirts were green, which was our school color). This led to many overindulgent parents calling the school, demanding their child to be selected as an Oak. Oh Please!

I know the school did not mean to create such unrest. After all, kids who play sports are competing against teams. That's the point of soccer, football, basketball, softball, etc. Competition can be good. But there was something disconcerting about the school having two teams . . . until I gave it a little more thought. You see, the school was really on to something when it created the Oaks and Acorns, it's just that the kids and families didn't live out the bigger picture because their competitive natures got in the way of the lesson: Unity.

I was in high school when I realized that an oak tree produces acorns. (How embarrassing, I know.) I credit my ignorance to my elementary school years and how divided our teams were. In those days it never occurred to me that acorns and oak leaves were part of the same tree. Where unity existed I saw division. I saw competition. I saw walls go up. But Jesus' message of unity opened my eyes and heart. I now understand that we are all part of one unified body--God's complete and whole creation. We all operate as different parts of the whole. I like to think of it this way:

We are all one.

We are all different.

No one is special.

This seems like a harsh statement, but read it again and think . . . We are all of equal importance in God's kingdom. It cannot be another way in His eyes. No one is more valuable than another. No one is "special" because that would mean another is not. We are unique, yes. But better or more special than another? No. Remembering my connection with others keeps me mindful of being compassionate. It keeps me mindful of my competitive nature and how futile it is. It keeps me mindful of showing patience toward others who are struggling. But most important, it reminds me of how my actions can affect so many others, so many parts of the One.

"The human body has many parts, but the many parts make up one whole body. So it is with the body of Christ. Some of us are Jews, some are Gentiles, some are slaves, and some are free. But we have all been baptized into one body by one Spirit, and we all share the same Spirit." 1 Corinthians 12:12-13 (NLT)

"For you are all one in Christ Jesus." Galations 3:28 (NKJV)

And so it is.

Crystal Heart

I found this heart rock last week, much to my surprise. When I picked it up, it was very dirty, but the hexagonal surface pattern (like a honeycomb) caught my eye. I really didn't expect it to be a heart rock or anything too special, but when I held it and really looked at it, I literally gasped! I had found a heart-shaped piece of fossilized honeycomb coral (favosite, to be exact). If you were to look at it from the side, you would notice the symmetrical pattern of stacked quartz that filled the coral hollows, demonstrating nature's organizational masterpiece. After doing some research, I learned that this coral is from the Devonian period, which dates back 300+ million years ago. Wow! It's truly a treasure from nature. When I returned home, I cleaned it off and the message became clear to me . . .

My soul is eternal, meaning it is really without a beginning or end. God's created me based on His specific design. My soul pattern is unique. And it will still be authentic millions of years from now. No matter what buildup I accumulate here on earth, I will always be recognizable to God because He knows His intricate handiwork. Just as I was able to identify a less-than-perfect, dirty rock for what it really is, He knows and recognizes my soul pattern. This is comforting because of all ways I inadvertently try to deny my soul's purpose, it's divine plan. Often I get so off track in my life that I'm hardly even identifiable to myself. Thank God He has the Master vision. God remembers who and what He created. If I'm lost and confused, I can always ask Him to remind me who and what I am. Therefore I can never be truly lost.

Then I saw the message of the honeycomb pattern . . .

Honeycombs and bee hives can remind us of being industrious in our daily endeavors, just as the bees are very industrious creatures. Honey bees work for the benefit of the entire swarm, not just themselves. Their efforts are combined to create an organized and efficient environment, eventually producing honey. They work in cooperation with one another, demonstrating harmony and unity . . . and I can't think of a better way to live. Unity. Harmony. Cooperation. Industrious. Efficient. Perfect words to take with me on my journey!

Warm Hearts

Often I find myself avoiding people who appear to be struggling with anger, fear, or frustration toward me. And to a certain extent, that is considered a healthy boundary. In fact, I've become pretty good at letting people work their own "stuff" out, yet it often shuts the door to a potentially healing situation between us. Boundaries are good, yes, and necessary. But to ignore the pain or struggle of another completely will not provide growth and healing, which is a pretty remarkable process to experience. I know I am on this earth to live and interact with others in order to gain insights into who I am and who I want to be. We are reflections of one another~reflecting both positive and negative traits. Whatever fault I find in another, I'm sure that is one of my top faults as well. And whatever I respect and admire in another, I probably hold that trait close to my heart too; therefore I recognize and appreciate it. Ultimately it is my goal to reflect Jesus back to others, reminding them of their Creator and that they are loved. To step into an uncomfortable situation in order to find peace and understanding with another is brave. But there is a way to do it if you cannot yet be in their presence: send love.

While trail running the other day (in 40 degree weather), I found a large amount of hearts rocks. This is typical for me. I'll go weeks without seeing any, then all at once heart rocks seem to catch my eye in the dirt every few feet. Today the bounty was plentiful, and I could not fit any more into my back pockets (which were making my butt look quite large, I might add!). So I decided to hold the large heart rock I found instead of overstuffing my pockets. At first the rock was so cold, I didn't want to hold it. But I knew it was worth holding because it was a really nice, big one. Perfect for my collection! But holding it was not comfortable at all. I figured my hand might warm it up a bit over time, but the rock was so deeply cold, I really doubted my already-cold hand would ever warm it up. But I held it anyway. And then something special happened: within ten minutes, the rock was unusually warm, even a bit hot. I placed the rock on my face--because my cheeks and chin never do warm up outside when it's cold--and this heart rock transferred an amazing heat to my face. This got me thinking . . .

When involved in an uncomfortable situation with another that needs healing, our first response is often to shut down and self-protect. But what would happen if we opened up by sending love to that person? We don't even need to be in the same room as the other is in. Just empty your heart of all its suffering, and fill it with God's light and love. Send that love to whomever you are at odds with. This is a form of prayer. I believe this is prayer at a very selfless level. While I was holding the heart rock, my warmth and heat (representative of light & love) transferred to it. And here is the VERY special thing. The heart rock that once was so stone cold soon had an incredible gift to give me: heat (which I needed at that time). You see, when we diffuse a negative situation by infusing it with light and love, we often get something special out of it. Many times I have seen this work in my life. The person who was sent love by me instead of negativity often softens and warms up, transforms even. After all, love in its finest form is transformational.

Old Church Door

This door once graced the entrance to a church many years ago. If you look closely, you'll see the cross. The door has weathered beautifully throughout the years. And the cross still provides the message of love, sacrifice, hope, and sustainability. To me the door is a reminder that there is life beyond the cross. Jesus' message did not stop there; it grew from there. If I open the doors of opportunity that God puts in my path, my life will expand in ways I never dreamed. I must not be afraid to open these doors. Hidden potentials, hope, life, love, and messages from the world wait behind those doors.

From Ticks to Anam Cara

Ticks and Friendship. I have a special friend in my life. A mentor, actually. She is forty years older than I am, but the first conversation we shared on a walk one day proved that age is no barrier for a true anam cara, or "soul friend". According to John O'Donohue, in his book Anam Cara, a soul friend is "a person to whom you could reveal the hidden intimacies of your life . . . You [are] joined in an ancient and eternal way." My soul friend mirrors me in many ways. For one, the mirror reflects back to her younger years, when she shared with me struggles of those days regarding issues that I am currently facing. And the mirror also shows a common thread even today, as we both share a love of writing and hiking and collecting treasures of nature. Recently, we shared a very intimate and humbling morning together, and I wondered if it had become too close for comfort. You see, it all started with a longing to transplant some wildflowers . . .

I love spring wildflowers, and so does my friend. She told me her daughter lives in the woods and has a steep hill possibly loaded with flowers we could transplant. We didn't know what we would find, but it sounded like an adventure perfect for us. She met me at our local park, and we headed to her daughter's house, with boxes, plastic tubs, gloves, and shovels in hand. When we got there, I noticed the hill was very steep and wondered how we would carry the filled tubs and boxes back up. I was about to mention that we stay close to the house and not go too far down the hill, but I didn't want to spoil the excitement in her eyes. So we started down the hill and found some dwarf irises. Perfect! Until my friend, in her excitement, tripped over a root, fell, and went rolling down the hill a bit. She hurt her knee, so she stayed on the ground for a while . . . just long enough for ticks to start crawling on her pants. Yuck! I figured we had better stop while we were ahead, take our iris prize, and call it a day. But she insisted we continue down the wooded hill. And we did, and we dug up more plants, and by then we were literally infested with ticks all over our pant legs. Yuck again! I booked it up the hill in less than a minute, only to realize that she could not move that quickly, and we had supplies to carry up. All I kept thinking of was Lyme disease and how quickly I could get the ticks off of me. But I had to help her, so I did. But like a true friend, she instructed me to get inside the house and shower while she gathered the rest of the things. But first, she insisted, I had to completely strip all my clothes off on the side porch, wrap myself in a black trash bag, and then I could go inside. What? Are you kidding me? Naked, outside? Yep. That was the way it had to happen so ticks were not brought inside. And I listened. And I showered. And then, in a very serious tone, she asked me to scan her bare body for ticks. And she did the favor in return for me. So there we were. Two women forty years apart, standing in front of a full-wall mirror, helping one another remove ticks but also realizing the passage of time on a body from your 30s to your 70s. Pretty empowering, for both of us, if you ask me. I know so much about this lady on a soul level. And now, well, lets say there's not much left we don't know about each other. After we were tick-free, I put on her granddaughter's too-tight-for-me clothes and shoes. And sans makeup I got in her car and she drove me to mine. I left all my tainted clothes and shoes behind in the trash bag. I told her she could put them in her daughter's trash can. I wanted nothing to do with them. I also declined the offer to take some plants home, for fear of bringing more ticks home to my garden. It all felt contaminated to me. The whole day did, actually. Until two days later . . .

My friend called me and said that she had washed all my clothes and shoes. She also said that she had set the plants in her garden to rid them of any ticks, and she had them all ready to give me. She had also gone back to her daughter's yard and collected anything we had left there in our frantic mode. All in all she had taken care of me. She let me shower first; she washed my tick-infested clothes; she aired out the plants she knew I wanted and had all of them waiting for me. Obviously I saw this day as a disaster and wanted to erase all signs that it had ever been, whereas she accepted the moment, thought calmly what needed to be done, saved my clothing, and still retained the true meaning of the day: gathering plants. The plants she saved for me were all delicate, spring beauties, and a few moss rocks (my favorite!). But her lesson in following through, looking out for another, and keeping the goal in sight amazed me. A true anam cara!

The Sketch Artist

The Sketch Artist. I believe there are no chance meetings. We are constantly interacting with one another in the flow of time and space with purpose. And if we stay awake and present while in the company of another, there is always a message to be given to us, whether that person is aware of giving a message or not. God gets His messages across to us in some pretty unique and unexpected ways. And that's just what "the sketch artist" did for me.

My oldest daughter plays Suzuki violin. And my family was attending a student concert on this particular day. The room we gathered in was small compared to the chapel in which the students usually performed. But all the parents made do with fold-out chairs and close quarters. A few grandparents were there, as usual, but one grandparent kept grabbing my attention. In his hand he held a few sheets of wrinkly scrap paper and was quickly putting pen to this paper like he was on a mission, though it appeared an unorganized mission. I couldn't imagine what he was doing, as all the rest of us were politely sitting in our uncomfortable chairs, smiling at each child who performed a piece, giving our focused attention. But with another glance I noticed that he was sketching each child as he or she played, not just his grandson or granddaughter. He flew through each sketch with focus and flair, yet when a song was finished and it was time for the next student to play, he quickly shifted his focus to create another sketch. I was touched at the way this man chose to connect with this event, at the way he chose to look at each child, even for just a moment, and capture his or her essence as the music came alive.

When the concert was over I made my way over to him, as did a few curious others who had seen him sketching. Turns out he was from Italy and spoke with a heavy accent, but he was confused as to why we were so interested in what he had been doing. Of course, all the parents wanted to see which child was theirs in his collection, and they were expecting him to tear off their child's sketch and hand it over. But they soon backed off when they realized he did not sketch for anyone's personal art wall at home. He simply did it because that is what he does. He is a creator. He allows the flow of others to speak to him, thus turning it into art. He was being obedient to his calling as an artist. He was not after a masterpiece that day. This was just the way he interpreted the concert. Seeing everyone as a unique work of art, capturing a nuance in a child here and there. He was such a calm man, with no pretense. I could see that he flowed with life; he didn't fight against it. He attended this concert as an active participant, if you ask me. While I often feigned interest as another child butchered "Andantino", or another child played what seemed to be an unending piece, I realized that I was not in the moment, not in the flow. Watching him sketch, for really no reason or for anyone's benefit, I understood that I needed to be more willing to let my own creations surface. Even if it is just creating a more patient heart within me or creating a smile for the child who butchered his piece.

I understand that all artists are born to create. But aren't we all artists? Aren't we all creating every minute of each day? Planning our day, creating a comfortable home environment, raising our children, performing our work duties, making a meal, and planting flowers and shrubs and trees in our yard in hopes of a beautiful scene. We also create by imagining a better future and speaking our truth to others. We are also known to create some pretty terrifying and harmful things too. But nevertheless, we are creators . . . artists.

When I have too tight a reign on my creative side. When I'm too rigid and expect perfection, with the all-or-nothing mind-set, I remember the sketch artist and his welcoming flow of creativity.

Heart Rock Candy

Heart Rock Candy. How many of you are familiar with the holiday taffy candies with a design in the center (for example, a round taffy candy with a Christmas tree in the middle, or the classic Bull's Eye caramel)? So imagine my delight when a special little rock, resembling these candies, made its way into my hand.

In the early spring I was out for a hike in the woods, not feeling particularly inspired or connected to my spiritual side. And on this day I really wanted to be "connected" (a word I use to describe feeling inner peace at really seeing God's creation around me and being filled with love). I also wanted to feel that I was on the right path in my life, based on some decisions I had recently made. As I hiked, I found myself in a valley, literally. It's a beautiful spot where two hills gently slope upward. I love the way I feel so small when I pass through this valley. I can't help but feel the presence of angels as I walk this dirt trail, and I now know the reason. Just as in life, when I hit valleys (or low points), they become fertile ground for new growth to take place and for God to start some pretty cool work in me. His assigned helpers come instantly to my aide simply upon calling out for help. I just have to remember to ask for the help, ask for the guidance, and ask for the connection. I have always found the best spiritual experiences occur in "the valleys." Usually hindsight has made me appreciate my valley experiences, but I'm trying to keep my eyes open more during my "valley" experiences so I don't miss a beautiful moment of renewal.

So as I walked dirt path and headed up the steep hill, still feeling unconnected and insignificant, I asked for God to speak to me so I could feel His presence--whenever and wherever. My eyes looked down for a moment, and then back up, only to look down again and pick up a pinkish white rock. I was not thinking of finding a heart rock, and this one was not shaped like one anyway. But when I turned it over it unmistakeably had a pinkish-white heart shape set within the rock (see the picture on my page). I was so touched by this "message." I really do believe that God sends us messages in His natural world if we can only take the time to ask and be open to seeing what He places before us. I was not expecting this "heart rock candy" to be His message of the day for me. But that's just it: even though I might have an expectation of how God will speak to me or of what God has planned for me, His plan will always be better and more perfect than mine. His vision will extend farther than my limited imagination will go. And He allows all of us to tap into His creative vision for our own futures; we just have to have open our minds and hearts and remain flexible. I carry this bit of heart rock wisdom with me in my own heart now. And I am amazed at what I am allowed to see when I stop expecting to see something.

On a lighter note: Later that same day I was so excited about my new rock I brought it to my daughter's fourth grade science fair to show my husband. Of course, I lost it in the cafeteria and went crazy trying to find it. The teacher saw my panic and thought I had lost a diamond earring or something. I was embarrassed to admit it was a rock . . . but a rather important one! I had visions of it being thrown in the trash by the janitor or kicked around by kids not knowing its special quality. So I faced the fact that it was only mine for a short time. But sure enough, I found it over by the stage and stuck it in my pocket as if it were a $500 bill. Whew!

Heart Rocks

Heart rocks. This sounds like a rather childish topic. Certainly a female topic, one might conclude. But my experience with these rocks has been anything but childish, and certainly not limited to a female audience. It started in the summer of 2007, when I would go for a run in the woods as part of my exercise routine. My eyes are constantly watching the ground when I'm on a trail, so I know where to land each foot to avoid the all-too-common trail-running disaster of having my foot trip on a rock or root, sending me face-down on the dirt. So, ever aware, my eyes were watchful that day, leading me to see a familiar shape in the dirt, which stopped me in my tracks and led me back to the spot where I then saw my first heart rock. I picked it up, surprised at how, over time, nature had formed this rock into a common symbol in today's world. I have come to understand that shapes really have no meaning except for the meaning we give them.

Universally, the heart is associated with love~either in a romantic, spiritual, or friendship nature. But when I saw this rock, I knew immediately the meaning it had for me in the present moment, and it made me smile. It was God's way of using an earthly symbol to send me a message of love and a promise of guidance from Him. I knew this to be so because earlier that year the phrase Focus on the Heart was spoken to my spirit. It was spoken to me the way many of us hear God speak to us~through an inner voice in our spirit. After I had heard the phrase Focus on the Heart in my spirit, I took it to mean I needed to be aware of an inner transformation that would be taking place within me. And these heart rocks were just one of the many signs along the way that assured me God would remain with me during this transformation, which is still taking place within me.

My first heart rock was special because I loved the way it felt when I held it. It wasn't a perfectly formed, perfectly rounded heart; instead, it was irregular in a very particular place~the place that made it special. When I gripped it between my thumb and index finger, my thumb landed in an indention that can only be described as a "thumbprint." My mind instantly filled with thoughts as my thumb rested on this "thumbprint": God's image is imprinted on my heart. I am made in God's image. This heart rock, with it's imperfect, irregular parts, stands out in my eye as a perfect creation from God. Just like I am imperfect, yet perfect in God's eyes through His grace.

This little, insignificant rock held such meaning for me. It still does. Because I was open to receiving a message from the natural world God created, I grabbed hold of the present moment and found God's love in a heart-shaped rock. The greatest lessons and surprises in life are often found in the simplest moments of daily life.

From that day on, I began to "happen upon" many more heart rocks for another year or so. They all carried a similar message for me: You are not alone. I will guide you through your transformation if you stay focused on Me. Remember that Love is always the highest good you can offer the world~love for yourself, Me, and the world.

~Introduction~

For much of my life, I have focused my time, energy, and thoughts on past moments (including high points and regrets) and future moments (including what-ifs and fears), not exactly being fully present and awake and in appreciation of the current moment, which is always NOW. Having lived this way for too long, I now realize all the learning opportunities I turned away from as I grabbed hold of a past moment or relied too heavily on the promise of a better tomorrow. I now understand that the past is exactly that--the past--and the future will unfold based on what my present moment creates NOW. The following entries (sometimes serious, sometimes humorous--just like life) will serve to keep me mindful of being present in each moment, always ready to listen to a message that might pop in--a message that could potentially awaken my soul and bring me closer to the life I was created to live. In his book The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle wrote, "The more you are focused on time--past and future--the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is. . . . The eternal present is the space within which your whole life unfolds, the one factor that remains constant. Life is now." That about says it all for me!